I’ve been having a hard time with this post. Someone once said,”If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all!” Hence my silence. There is NOTHING nice to say about chemo. Just thinking about that IV dripping into my veins turns my stomach into ten thousand knots. Now I know that I shouldn’t get discouraged and I should try to keep a positive attitude. “Look at the positive things!” they say. And I am! I really am! But for me to get on here every once and a while and tell you, “well yea it’s hard but everything is wonderful and I have no fears or worry, blah blah blah.” Well that’s fake. Simple as that.
I have this constant reminder. Every time I walk by a mirror, she’s there. Starting at me. I feel like I don’t even know her. All too quickly I’m awakened, back to reality, it’s me. I’m stairing at my own delicate hairless head. Over and over again I’m reminded that I’m sick. That my life is not my own but owned by cancer and giving it every ounce of myself is the only payment it will take in order to possibly get any life worth living back. It’s easy to spare you of most of the gruesome symptoms that chemo causes but hair loss is not one of them. I don’t know why but for some reason not having hair leaves me feeling so vulnerable and insecure. I feel like everyone looks at me with sorrow and sadness but maybe that’s just how I look at myself and I assume everyone else agrees. Sure I could put a wig on or find an adorable scarf, but at the end of even the most amazing day, even if I’ve felt wonderful and councoured the world, I still have to take my scarf off and I’m reminded, oh by the way, I own you. -Your truely, cancer.
Now of course I still have faith. I couldn’t imagine going through this without it. I think we all have to remind ourselves that God doesn’t promise life would be easy but through our hard times he would be our saving grace. So for now I go on taking one day at a time. Knowing each day I get through is one day closer to getting a new life. I know the day it’s coming where I will feel refreshed and changed.