My Security Blanket

I’ve been having a hard time with this post. Someone once said,”If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all!” Hence my silence. There is NOTHING nice to say about chemo. Just thinking about that IV dripping into my veins turns my stomach into ten thousand knots. Now I know that I shouldn’t get discouraged and I should try to keep a positive attitude. “Look at the positive things!” they say. And I am! I really am! But for me to get on here every once and a while and tell you, “well yea it’s hard but everything is wonderful and I have no fears or worry, blah blah blah.” Well that’s fake. Simple as that. 

I have this constant reminder. Every time I walk by a mirror, she’s there. Starting at me. I feel like I don’t even know her. All too quickly I’m awakened, back to reality,  it’s me. I’m stairing at my own delicate hairless head. Over and over again I’m reminded that I’m sick. That my life is not my own but owned by cancer and giving it every ounce of myself is the only payment it will take in order to possibly get any life worth living back. It’s easy to spare you of most of the gruesome symptoms that chemo causes but hair loss is not one of them. I don’t know why but for some reason not having hair leaves me feeling so vulnerable and insecure. I feel like everyone looks at me with sorrow and sadness but maybe that’s just how I look at myself and I assume everyone else agrees. Sure I could put a wig on or find an adorable scarf, but at the end of even the most amazing day, even if I’ve felt wonderful and councoured the world, I still have to take my scarf off and I’m reminded, oh by the way, I own you. -Your truely, cancer.
Now of course I still have faith. I couldn’t imagine going through this without it. I think we all have to remind ourselves that God doesn’t promise life would be easy but through our hard times he would be our saving grace. So for now I go on taking one day at a time. Knowing each day I get through is one day closer to getting a new life. I know the day it’s coming where I will feel refreshed and changed. 

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6 Comments Add yours

  1. Karalee says:

    Continuing to pray…. not just for healing but for strength and faith to get you through the toughest of days. So proud of you and your courage. Love you!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Aunt Jane says:

    Awwwww Stephanie that is so sad for you. But you’re being honest about your feelings and that’s ok. Sunday school lesson was about the hurts of Naomi in the book of Ruth.Older ladies had an open discussion about times that hurt and no one can comfort and bring us through but God. One lady had just lost her 24 year old grandaughter. She messed her life up with drugs previously and so her body could not take the infection that hit her heart valve and shot through her body. But God did send her a nurse in the ER from our church that knew how to help her spiritually. Love you and pray for Special Grace. You have so much beauty even without your hair,

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Shannon Fischer says:

    Hi Stephanie, you and I haven’t actually met. I work in the mornings at UPS and see Chad when he comes in to get ready for his day. I have been off on medical leave for a surgery I had on my foot in December. So I haven’t been around the hub to get to talk to Chad or ask about you. I have been following your journey via social media and then today read through your blog. It is beautifully written even if you don’t feel like writing.

    Just know you have a huge support system of people you know and even don’t know. People thinking and praying for you constantly. Understandably you are going to have yuck days, and days you feel completely defeated and helpless. But know those days will pass and new and brighter days are ahead. As hard as it is to go through all of these uninvited changes, know that you got this and can do this and will conquer this sucky part of life.

    I wish there was a magic pill that would take it all away and all the pain and change would be gone in a blink. But at this point all there is to do is keep moving forward and endure all storms as they come. When you fall, fall forward and get back up and go again. You got this.

    One of these days you will write a post that is titled “I had cancer” and it will soon be just a time of life you had to go through. Stay positive and do what you can, you got this and all your supporters can pick up the rest.

    With Love, Shannon Fischer

    Liked by 1 person

    1. skoster05 says:

      Thank you for reaching out to me and for your encouraging reminders! You are right, I am looking forward to to day will this will all be a story to tell from my past!

      Like

  4. Debbie Larson says:

    Praying for you Steph ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Amanda says:

    Many thoughts and prayers for you and your family! Your COURAGE is amazing and I appreciate your honesty. I enjoy your updates and you allowing us all to be with you throughout your journey.
    If you ever want to talk, I’m here!
    Xo

    Liked by 1 person

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